Hey you! It’s me again. Sock Cop! Remember? I’m a sock? I catch speeders?
You remember! Oh, good! I was worried for a second.
Then you might remember that I’ll be live on TWITCH tonight starting at 7pm Central Fluffy Sock Time.
I’ve got a
🐶🦒🦊🦝🐹 BRAND-NEW ANIMAL OF THE DAY INTRO 🐨🦓🦄🦧
for you tonight! I hope you’ll dig it.
But until then, check this out.
Horoscopes!
Here lately, horoscopes and astrology and fortune telling and whatnot has been showing up a lot. Telling the future seems pretty easy so I figured I’d give it a shot. Introducing the Sockstrology Chart!
Find your sign and read what the stars (me) have to say about you specifically.
Sign of the Sock (March 2 - April 13)
Today is a great day to make your favorite sandwich. If you don’t have the right ingredients, then experiment with a new sandwich! There is a very good chance that you haven’t had your favorite sandwich yet, and that alone is a reason to have hope.
Star of Tiny Corns (April 14 - May 20)
Much like Nature’s Perfect Food (Tiny Corns) you naturally spread joy wherever you go. Don’t listen to people who say you don’t, they are morons. Take a moment to bask in the glory that is you, and demand that anyone you meet thank you for being such a dadgum delight.
Vern of Ferns (May 21 - June 28)
As a plant sign, you feel a close connection with nature. Explore it! Hug a tree, collect some cool leaves, or maybe adopt a new houseplant. Or if it’s too hot to go outside, find a cool nature documentary to watch. Preferably one narrated by a British guy. Those are always better.
Rupert the Cleaner (June 29 - July 5)
As a Pug Sign, you like your surroundings to be clean and tidy. But you don’t always feel like doing the work yourself. Good news! Someone will soon offer to clean your space for you. But do not let them! They just want to pilfer through your junk drawer and steal some AAA batteries. Stay sharp!
Rewound VHS (July 6 - August 30)
I know what you’re thinking; there are not enough holidays. Use this as a sign to create a brand-new holiday! This is an exciting chance to create new yearly traditions and rituals. For example, pick a day every year where everyone is required to give you presents on a day that isn’t your birthday. Or make it where everyone must wear a gorilla costume and do the macarena. The possibilities are endless, let your imagination run wild, brother.
Un-Rewound VHS (August 31 - October 4)
The Un-Rewound VHS Sign doesn’t necessarily mean you need to change anything. But, if things haven’t been going well lately, do this; Tomorrow, be sure to put your left shoe on before the right one. That should realign the universe or stars or whatever and fix everything. If things HAVE been good; Well, just keep doing what you’re doing!
Fresh Cheese Biscuit (October 5 - November 12)
You’ve been feeling a bit off lately. You have very strong feelings about needing to change something, but you aren’t quite sure what it is. The stars have provided the answer; you have a mild-to-moderate wedgie that has been lingering for weeks. Take some time to readjust and watch as life gets better by the minute.
The Anonymoose (November 13 - January 8)
The most mysterious of all the signs, you like to stay hidden in the shadows. Your natural instinct is to lay low, but I’m getting indications that today is your time to shine. You should start a stamp collection! Wait, that’s not right. The stars say you should write a hit disco song? That can’t be right either. Sorry, I got nothing for you this time. I’m telling you, it’s mysterious!
Brick (January 9 - 12)
Brick brick brick. Brick brick? Brick!
Magic Mustache (January 13 - March 1)
You are a majestic boomerang of love that flies around the world tickling all who cross your path. You may be facing an important decision. Don’t sweat it! Thinking too hard can cause a mustache to curl. Have a cup of tea, flip a coin, and move on down the road at a reasonable speed. You got this!
Was I right? Of course, I am! Call me Sockstradamus. Actually, don’t do that. Just Sock will be fine.
I hope you have a spectacular day, and I’ll see you tonight on the internet!
